I have been processing quite a bit in therapy. Last couple of weeks has been especially difficult. I haven’t been able to find the words.

I have been struggling to keep up with the cost of therapy, rent, and groceries, and bills. These are things I need but the cost of living makes it difficult to keep up with the cost of therapy.

I need therapy but I have to pay out of pocket. For right now I don’t expect to find myself evicted from my current place. As long as I can keep paying my rent and as long as I can eventually meet the financial requirements to stay in this Unit. The reality is, if I can’t get back up to where I was financially I will end up having to find a new place which ironically will end up costing me more rent. Isn’t that silly? To not make enough money to remain in a subsidized rental suit and end up possibly paying more for rent elsewhere. That doesn’t make sense but here we are.

There’s so much flooding my mind I don’t know where to begin. I want to thank those who have supported me along the way since my accident. Facing a life long disability has been challenging for me. I’m rather exhausted with the pain I have from the accident. I am mentally and emotionally exhausted in part because of the accident and in part because of the negative reactions I have endured because I have reached for help. It’s not affordable to get involved in a near fatal motor vehicle accident. There are significant challenges we face when we are single and living alone. There are significant financial barriers when single and living alone. And it all depends on what support system you might have or don’t have. I’m not sure that most understand the financial barriers of a single person living alone has and how those barriers only increase following a crisis.

When advocating for our needs we sometimes come across some people who don’t understand. How do I know this to be true? When people say to me “God helps those who help themselves” or “I only help those who help themselves” or “these people only help those who help themselves” they are short sighted responses/reactions based upon perceptions while not taking the time to truly understand. Because if they did understand they would know how much work it takes to recover from significant injuries that are life changing. People just don’t understand how damaging a near fatal motor vehicle accident can be.

To those who have supported me the last 8 months in my recovery I really appreciate your help. To those who have taken the time to understand where my limitations are and how much work I have put in to my recovery and how much work I have done to just advocate for my needs I want to thank you.

So far I have graduated from not needing my arm in a sling and I can work with a 1lb weight. My physiotherapist uses two fingers to apply pressure to increase strength and range of motion in my arm. I utilize a cane when there is a possibility I might need to use transit. I don’t have the physical strength to hold myself up if the bus driver needs to make a sudden stop and if I don’t use a cane then I can’t receive the accommodations I need when taking transit. It’s a pet peeve of mine to see the bus full with able bodied young people sitting in the reserved seating area and to have people demand that I move and make way for others who need my seat when I am in need of my seat. So I utilize a cane so fewer people target me on transit. Can you believe that a few months back I had on a back brace and my arm was in a visible sling and someone still demanded that I give up my seat? I still have people give me the side eye when I don’t give up my seat while utilizing a cane. So I end up yelling out for an able bodied person to give their seat to those in need. This is emotionally exhausting when I have legitimate needs that people can’t or won’t acknowledge.

I do my best to stay positive. It is for this reason I try to post something weekly that is positive, uplifting, and encouraging. Sometimes it feels like I am speaking to the air but apparently experiencing a real disconnect is what happens when you are taking medication that treats anxiety and depression, it is apparently a side effect of escitalopram and I am taking the max dose of this medication. But I try. I tell myself that how I feel is not necessarily what is actually true but sometimes how I feel is true. And so how can you discern what is actually true? This comes with support, emotional and relational support. The one thing that people who are single living alone run a deficit in is this emotional and relational support but I do have some support and I am thankful for what support I do have.